Wednesday, March 9, 2011


The baby of the family.  I never really understood it... until NOW.  I find myself saying, "Whatever she wants, just give it to her."  "Who is making her cry?  Stop it.  Just leave her alone."  "Drew?  Find out what Lauren wants and just give it to her, I'm tired of listening to her whine."  HOLY HELL.  What am I creating?  A baby, that's what.  A spoiled little girl, I'm afraid.  But for reals.  I'm just tired of listening to it, you know?  After 6 years I've finally been worn down.  I need to put my mommy pants back on and get control back.  I never would have allowed the other two to get what they want just 'cause they made noise about it. 

See how happy I am?  'Cause I get every thing I want!  I just fuss and they give it to me!  Bwahahahaha!


I lost William at school the other day.  He's not one to wander but that day he did, he wandered down a back hallway in the building where we often will go to roll the ball or practicing skipping when we have a few minutes to kill.  Only I didn't see him go that way and when I peeked down there I didn't see him.  Within minutes there was a teacher, 4 other moms, and me looking for William and running around screaming his name.  I ran into the parking lot and stopped cars asking if they'd seen him.  It was absolutely terrifying and it's just now, 48 hours later, that I've shaken the feeling.  One of the teachers discovered him in the hallway playing and brought him to me and I bust into a puddle of tears and so did he.  He is a sensitive boy and doesn't handle me crying very well plus he felt immediate remorse.  He was just playing, it wasn't intentional.  He was aware of all the other moms standing around and the relief we all felt and... well, it was just awful.  That night when I put him to bed I said, "Do you understand how I felt when I saw Mrs. Eusebio bring you out to me?"  He said, "You were just so happy I wasn't stolen by a stranger that you got on your knees and cried."  That pretty much summed it up.


It's no secret that I'm not an average sized woman (or maybe I am?)  I have struggled and will struggle for the rest of my life I'm afraid.  I lose and gain weight every year.  The difference with my commitment this time is that my goal isn't to get thinner, it's to get healthier.  I've never done anything under that pretense before.  I go to the gym probably 6 days out of 7 and more often than not Lauren comes with me to the daycare there because Chris is either at the firehouse or is teaching.  She's kind of meh about it but it has to be done.  One thing I'm discovering now that I'm 6 weeks into Operation Healthy Self and possible Operation Sleeveless Summer is that something has to give and at this point it's the house.  It's always clean but almost always a mess.  There is a huge difference, you know.  But as I told Chris last night, we both can't look good.  Either it's the house or me.  Which would he prefer?


Chris is the King of Research.  Those of you who know him know what I mean.  Our friends call us to see what kind of camera we have, what kind of TV we have, what kind of ceiling fans are best.  I'm not kidding.  Chris is like a human Consumer Reports.  When most people get 3 estimates for something, he gets 7.  I'm not kidding.  It drives me apeshit and I'm kind of over it.  We are getting all new replacement windows in the house in a couple weeks after 2 months of researching different kinds, companies, and numerous estimates.  We are now looking at buying a front door and I swear to God, the process is going to kill me.  I actually spoke the words, "Let's just get a ghetto screen and call it a day.  I can't look at doors anymore."  IT'S A DOOOOOOOOR.  Good Lord.  I can't stand it. 

We've consulted the construction company that did some work for us a year ago and we've had the designers draw up a new kitchen for us.  We're nearly ready to give it all the OK and start on a big kitchen remodel but I've actually said I think we should hold off.  I think a kitchen remodel right now will result in one of three things:  1)  Chris will end up on blood pressure medicine.  2)  We'll get divorced.  3)  I'll resign myself from the whole process because I can't stand the intense research for every single thing and I'll end up compromising completely on everything.  None of those options is good so I think we may put it off.  I've been wishing for us to start remodeling this house since we moved in 6 years ago and I can't believe I'm wanting to put it off now that we're finally there but I just can't stand it.  We need to find a happy medium. 

Dear Pretty Door, I'm sorry I didn't fight harder for you but Chris is psycho and I had to just give up.  Love, Ashley


The kids are taking karate and it's my new passion.  Watching them in karate class is so thrilling for me.  They are focused, strong, capable, and succeeding.  I can't get enough of it. 


  1. Is that your new door? It's gorgeous! Do the remodel, you deserve it you know, plus you seem to let things just roll, don't sweat it. Just keep thinking of that end result and it will all be worth it. Maybe not the divorce but Chris can't afford to divorce you so that won't happen =). Good luck, keep us posted.

  2. Oh sweetie that story about William just about made me burst into tears. I HATE that feeling...E has a tendency to hide in the clothes racks at Target and once I thought he was missing I about threw up. So glad things ended up ok and sorry you had to go through that.

    As for the front door...maybe I'll fight for it for you, because it is downright GORGEOUS!

  3. At first I read this part: "I ran into the parking lot and stopped cars asking if they'd seen him. It was absolutely terrifying..." as this "I ran into the parking lot and stopped cars asking if they'd seen him. I was absolutely terrifying..." and I gleefully imagined a crazed, wild-eyed you rampaging manically about the parking lot freaking people out. Your actions would've been totally understandable, but truly terrifying. On a serious note, yes I can laugh about this now, but boy howdy I feel ya. We lost my brother in the mall when he was about William's age. Frightening! I used to have recurring nightmares about bad things happening to him, like finding him at the bottom of a pool, etc. But it got to the point where it started to seem like he was intentionally getting into trouble, like throwing himself into the deep end of the pool just because he knew I'd save him and he liked the attention. Ugh, younger siblings, who needs 'em?!

  4. Love it all, and I'm glad that William is ok. I would do the exact same thing (I can even picture myself probably handing off Julian to some stranger not even thinking about it).

    And about the research thing, I love people like Chris (I have a few friends like him), and I just do what they do and what they say. I don't even think twice. I know they did their research and they just saved me time :).

    Ditto with martial arts. Joelle is 5 days into it and is already asking about her stripes. I wish I took it as a kid, too!

  5. I know what you mean about the "house or me" thing!!! Hubsy says he doesn't care about the house, but he does. You can't have both though. I have settled for trade-off. Me half the week. House the other half. Probably not the best plan...


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