Sadness

A week from right now, this very moment, I'll be touching down in Washington, D.C.  Chris is staying home to run his business and tend to the littles.  Thankfully his fire schedule allows him to stay home when he's needed, times like these.  Wish he could be with us but it is what it is.

Aunt Debbie's service is next Saturday.  I am so looking forward for all of my family - my WHOLE family, all 7 of us, being together.  My husband won't be there, and neither will the kids, but all of my blood relatives will be.  We're fortunate that between graduations (college, grad school) and weddings over the last 8 years we've all been together at least once a year.  I've been lucky enough for the last 8 years or so to spend every summer with Uncle Dennis and Aunt Debbie for at least a week at the Cape.  David and I need to graduate grad school and Jennie needs to get married and we'll be able to fit in a couple more visits of all of us being together.  This occasion is a terribly sad one but I am glad we'll all be together.  

I've lost all 4 of my grandparents but this loss is very different.  I was a teen and in my early 20's when I lost my grandparents and never related to them as an adult.  Aunt Debbie was my aunt, had the respect of an elder, but was my friend.  MY FRIEND.  I shared everything from the fact that I had tollhouse cookies for breakfast to the fact that I'd lost 11 pounds to the fact that I was secretly trying for a 3rd baby.  She knew it all, often before anyone else.  She was my daily email buddy and the emails that went between my brother, my mom, Aunt Debbie, and me over the years are probably in the tens of thousands.  The nonsense we talked about sometimes would be mind numbing to others but it was so fun.  And so meaningful.  So important.  Just that connection... 

It's hard putting it all into words.  The waves of emotions that come and go, and then come again.  I'm solid, good, for days and then it hits me and I crumble at the half-thought of her.  Then I feel so strong all over again.  It's such a weird thing.  The emptiness is great, lots of things that always were that changed when she got sick but now I realize will never be again. 

This post is going no where and I can't articulate any of it like I wish I could.  

It just fucking sucks.